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03/02/2007: "McCafe:1 Starf**ks:0"

Comes now the mighty Ronald to slay the corporate coffee giant.

Perhaps this is why Howard Schultz called for Startfucks to return to its roots, and be less bland. Perhaps he knew that Ronald was launching an assult on bland, corporate coffee. As Doc put it Starbucks is becoming the McDonalds of coffee, and after you've done that to your company, all that is left is for one of the corporate giants to come in and either acquire you, further blanching your soul during the requisite re-branding, or for them to take the fat out of your market, leaving you with those who care about the quality that is without a name, the thing that made you, or your company unique in the first place.

Somehow I don't think the minimum wage McWorkers are going to deal with orders such as "a grande, double espresso, decaf, low fat, caramel macchiato, with extra foam, brewed at 180 degrees Celsius, topped with a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a dollop of whipped cream", but then thats not coffee. Perhaps Starbucks will keep its customers who think this is something to be savored, rather than merely injested then held up as another example of The Paradox of Choice.

Starbucks ruined its brand in its persuit of corporate greed. The stores all look the same, the employees wear uniforms and the last straw was pre-ground coffee and automatic machines. Hell, they might as well be McDonalds or 7-Eleven. Doc wants them to fix the milk:coffee ratios, but this seems to be the way "the public" likes their coffee drink. If you're going to have 10,000 storefronts, you're going to pander to the public, with the result that your merchandise will tend toward the cheap crap found at Wal-Mart. I agree with Doc, your typical Starbucks latte is a "hot milk bomb", but you can always 'fix' this by ordering it with the milk volume turned down to 4oz and increasing the coffee content, a "three-shot short" in the vernacular.

You can't fix pre-ground coffee. Ground coffee stales (oxidizes) immediately after grinding, so grinding fresh is integral to a great cup. Do you buy pre-chopped vegetables? (If you do... well, never mind. I can't help you.)

There is literally no such thing as "fresh, pre-ground coffee" unless you've just ground it yourself and dumped it in your coffee maker. In fact, there are four reasons why your coffee will suck:

1) You Use Crappy Coffee.
Forget instant, that's not even under consideration. Store bought, no name, canned ground coffee is at its best, sludge. If you buy a good French Roast, and use 5 to 6 heaping scoopfuls (not spoonfuls, but those little plastic scoopers), you get something you can compare to the fare at McCafe.

But most people don't. They buy whatever lame ass coffee is on sale that week, and then they use miserly portions. Bleeeccch.

2) Your Coffeemaker Sucks
That's right, its a piece of shit: It brews too fast, and it doesn't make the coffee hot enough.

A good brewer will slowly let the water drip into the basket, allowing the natural oils, flavor and aroma of the beans to come out. Ahhhhh, can you smell that? Hmmmmm.

Ideally, your brewer will use fresh filtered water, crank up the heat, and then have the warmer turn off quickly -- otherwise, it will burn the brew.

By the way, when was the last time you cleaned that skanky coffeemaker of yours? You can buy commercial products, or just run a 50/50 mix of vinegar and water. Clean it every three to six months.

3) Your Coffee Was Ground Ages Ago
Forget the stuff in the can -- that was factory ground in 1994. I'm talking to the people who buy beans, ground them up immediately, and then put them in a jar in the fridge for months. That starts the gradual loss of flavor and aroma immediately. (Why even buy beans?)

You want beans, and you want them ground as close to the brewing process as possible.

4) Your Tap Water is Nasty
Depending upon where you live, your tap water ranges from tasty to industrial run off to chemical comtaminants to carcinogenic.

Cancer flavored coffee tends to taste bad if what you wanted was this:



Bonus link: Girls of Engineering calendar, if you like your women hot and smart, it may be your kinda thing.